Disclaimer: I don't own them. That is a well known fact.
Two Heroes, A God, and The Mighty Joxer
Rated: PG (It's Part 1...I promise to make up for it in Part 2)
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"It was stupid!" Hercules snapped.
"Yeah!" Iolaus agreed.
"It was moronic!"
"Yeah!"
"You should have listened." Hercules smiled.
"Yeah...you should've." Iolaus smiled as well. He turned to look at the man behind them, carrying their stuff. "Well come on...I want to hit Naupactus by sundown."
"I'm going to get you for this...oh yeah I am. You are *BOTH* on my list." Ares grimaced from the strain of carrying the other men's belongings.
"Solstice list?" Herc asked with a smile.
"Birthday list?" Iolaus asked with a giggle.
Ares just growled some obscenities under his breath and lugged the load. A sword, two carry sacks, (which were quite heavy as Hercules and Iolaus had packed everything they could fit), the food, a few flasks of wine, and Iolaus' lute.
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The day before, the heroes had entered Ares' temple in Corinth with a message from Zeus. Ares was to stop the war outside Olynthus, as Athena's temple had been destroyed, and Demeter's was being trashed. But Ares, as usual, hadn't listened.
By the time Ares got around to it, later in the day, not only had Demeter's temple been laid to waste, but Hera's had been blown up. Hera refused to sleep with Zeus for a month, and the God, having just made his peace with her, was not a happy man. So, in punishment, he stripped Ares of his powers, and gave him to Herc and Iolaus to do with as they pleased for a while.
Hercules and Iolaus had been planning to go to the festival in Ambracia, and had a few things packed. But, when Zeus meted out his punishment, they packed up everything they could, then gave it to Ares to carry. Ares refused at first, until a lightning bolt from his father hit him on the ass and he was reminded that he was to do whatever his brother and Iolaus said.
So he bitched and grumbled, but picked up their stuff, and off they were to Ambracia.
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They hit Naupactus in time for dinner. Taking a room at the inn, they nearly left Ares to get some food.
"Herc, maybe we should feed him," Iolaus said. "He's mortal and needs food. Besides, he needs to carry the stuff tomorrow and we want him to have his strength. Don't we?"
"I guess so Iolaus," Herc answered, a smile on his lips. "You know, Naupactus has a lot of stuff to buy. Maybe we should buy some more stuff to take along to Ambracia. You never know what we may need. Some new clothes, some more food...."
Iolaus grinned. "Oh wait Herc..the guy as we were entering town. He had a stand selling bricks. Who knows...I may want to build something on the way."
"Oh no," Ares said, shaking his head. "I will carry what you have, but nothing more. Anything else you buy, you carry."
"Oh daddy...." Herc whispered, trying his damnedest to keep a straight face.
"All right...I'll carry what you want. Just don't call *him*. With my luck, he'll decide that you're being too easy on me and give me to Xena and the twit."
"Hey!" Iolaus snapped. "*Joxer* is not a twit!"
"I wasn't talking about Joxer...I was talking about the harpy."
"Ohhh...Gabrielle," Hercules said.
"Ohhh...Gabrielle," Ares said, mimicking his brother. "Why would I call Joxer a twit? He comes to my temples, leaves me offerings, and has that catchy theme song. You know...'Joxer the Mighty, master of geography....'
It was at that precise moment that a man was walking by, but he stopped as he heard his song.
The other two looked at him and grinned, joining him..."Here to guide you on your way, stick with me you'll never stray....Joxer, Joxer the mighty." They all burst into laughter.
They didn't see Joxer in the shadows, nor did they hear him start to cry.
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Xena and Gabrielle found Joxer sitting in the stables, his eyes red and puffy.
"Joxer, what happened?" Gabrielle asked.
"Did that guy in the tavern start with you again?" Xena asked. "If he did, I'll cut his throat."
"Don't worry about her Joxer," Gabrielle smiled. "She has that time of the month and she's ready to kill anybody and everybody."
Joxer shook his head. "It wasn't that."
"Then what Joxer...or who?" Xena was concerned. Joxer was sensitive, but never acted like this.
Joxer walked out of the stables and pointed to the three men who were arguing in front of the inn.
"Yes!" Iolaus.
"No!" Ares
"Shut up, the two of you!" Hercules.
Xena stared in disbelief. "What is Ares doing with the two of them? And what did they do to you Joxer?"
"It was nothing," Joxer mumbled.
"Talk!" Xena snapped.
"They were singing my song and making fun of it. They were right. It's stupid."
He sat back down and sulked.
"It's not stupid Joxer. It's...different. And I am going to get to the bottom of this." She stormed out of the stables. Gabrielle and Joxer just watched.
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"All right...what did the three of you do to Joxer?"
"Hi Xena," Iolaus said.
*THWACK*! The hunter was caught with his guard down, and was quickly laid out in the middle of the street, unconscious.
"Nice one," Ares said with a grin. "*OUCH*!" The War God said, his voice up four octaves. She had kicked him in the groin.
Xena moved to Hercules. "Not me Xena. I *will* hit you back." He moved to Iolaus and smacked him in the face a few times to rouse him.
"What did you do to Joxer?" Xena was fuming. Between the menstrual cramps, Gabrielle's new stories, and now Joxer crying, she was pissed to the max.
"We didn't do anything to Joxer," Herc answered. Iolaus opened his eyes and Herc helped him up.
"Why would we do anything to Joxer...we like him," Iolaus said. Xena glared at him and he hid behind Hercules.
"Chicken shit," Ares said. Xena gave him 'the look' and he too hid behind Hercules.
Hercules couldn't help laughing, and turned to the two men behind him. "You're both chicken shits." Turning back to Xena, "All we did was sing a few lines of his song. We like it. It's cute. I wish I had a theme song. I *should* have one. I'm Hercules." He smiled at her and her face softened.
"I should have one *too*," Ares said. "I'm the God of War...the King of Combat...the...."
"Shut up Ares!" Xena growled.
"I've had ballads sung about me," Iolaus said quietly.
"I heard one of those," Ares smiled. "'Iolaus and his golden rod, Iolaus and his golden bod, Iolaus who has eyes of blue, Iolaus who has....'"
"I never heard *that*," Herc said, staring at them.
"You need to hang out in taverns more often Herc," Iolaus giggled. He stuck his head out from behind the demigod. "Look Xena, like Herc said, we didn't do anything to Joxer. We just sang his song."
"Then why is he crying!" she snapped.
"Joxer is crying?" Ares asked, coming out from behind the demigod. "I don't like that...don't like that at all. Where is he? I'll talk to him."
"Xena!" Gabrielle came running over. Herc smiled, Ares looked at her legs, and Iolaus' eyes moved to her chest.
"Nice legs," Ares said softly to Iolaus.
"Nice tits," Iolaus replied.
"I heard that," Gabrielle said, blushing. "And thank you." She turned to Xena. "Joxer's gone. He was so upset, that he ran off."
"This is your fault," Ares said, glaring at Iolaus.
"My fault! What did I do?" Iolaus fired back.
The two men faced each other, fists ready to fly. And they did.
An uppercut to Ares sent the God to the ground, Iolaus pouncing on him. Ares rolled him off and hit him in the stomach. Iolaus sprang to his feet, as did Ares, and the hunter tackled him. Hercules just watched.
"Let them go at it," he said. He turned back to Xena. "Like I said, we didn't do anything." He moved a bit as Ares came crashing towards him, Iolaus diving on top of Ares. "If we hurt Joxer, we need to apologize." Gabrielle shifted as Ares kicked Iolaus and Iolaus went flying. "Why don't the two of you wait here until we get back with him. Okay?"
The women nodded and Hercules went to the two men, still fighting. He pulled them apart, lifting them both about three feet off the ground. "No more fighting, or I'm going to take a switch to both your asses...got it?"
"Yes Herc," both men answered.
"It's like dealing with children," Herc said shaking his head. "No...kids are better."
"Hercules, why is Ares with you?" Gabrielle asked.
"Long story," he answered. "He's without powers for a while. Athena is sitting in for him. I'll tell you when we get back. Gabrielle, which way did Joxer go?"
"Towards Delphi," she answered.
"Aww Herc," Iolaus whined. "We go after him, we're gonna miss the festival."
"The festival lasts all week Iolaus," Herc said. "Besides, they can't possibly end it without you. I think they look forward to you and the food eating contest every year."
Iolaus looked at the women and shrugged. "I win every year."
Xena smiled, a sweet smile. "GO GET JOXER!"
The three men took off, not so much because they wanted to find Joxer, although they did, but because they feared the Warrior Princess more right now.